Gambling is fun, so you should always have time for a laugh or two. In our Jokes, Quotes and Fun section you can browse our archive of gambling jokes below and see how many make you spill your drink. Enjoy our selection, and may laughter be yours.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the lottery!'
Martha replies, 'Should I pack for warm weather or cold?'
The man responds, 'I don't care. Just get out!'
'My husband's going to a casino in central Asia,' says one elderly Bingo player to another.
'Of course,' the old woman says, quite annoyed. 'Why else would he go to a casino?'
Rearrange the letters: SLOT MACHINES.
Answer: CASH LOST IN EM.
Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says, 'Bill, we don't know what to do with you, so you can choose if you want to go to heaven or hell.'
Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old, boring men sitting at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.
Impressed, Bill says, 'I am a gambling man. I want to go to hell!'
Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. As he's burning in the flames, Bill shouts, 'Hey, what is this?!! I saw all the gambling, the women, and the sex!'
The devil says, 'That was just a demo version.'
Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm half naked.' With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, `Momma needs a new pair of pants!` She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.
'YES! I WIN! I WIN!' she shouts. She picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, 'What did she roll anyway?' The other answers, 'I don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!'
A blonde is in Vegas vacationing with her friends. She walks to a candy machine and puts in two coins. She turns the knob and a candy bar falls out.
She picks up the candy bar and puts it in her pocket. Then she puts two more coins into the slot and turns the knob; again a candy bar falls out and she puts it in her pocket.
The blonde smiles, puts two more coins into the machine and again turns the knob, producing yet another candy bar.
A man has been watching from a short distance away and walks up to the blonde. He says, `Excuse me, miss, what are you doing?`
The blonde replies, 'Duh! I'm winning here!'
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
'The brightest dog I ever had,' said one, 'was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep.'
'You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars.'
'Had to,' the man replied. 'Caught him using marked cards!'
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.
Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.
Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, 'I can't believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!'
The player smiles and says, 'He's not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.'
A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, 'Three million dollars.'
The accounts person is startled and says, 'In what form?'
The little old lady says, 'Cash. I've got it here in this bag...' The accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle the situation. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, 'Gambling.'
'Gambling?' he says. 'What sort of gambling?'
'Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?'
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. 'I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!'
The little old lady just shakes the bag and says, `I know what I`m doing...and I can afford to lose, even though I`m not going to. Is it a bet?`
'OK, have it your way,' says the president, and they shake hands.
'See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning,' says the little old lady, and with that she leaves.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He'd checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing: his balls were perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrives he starts to relax, knowing he had won the bet.
'Come in, please, and have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?' says the president.
'He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?'
'No, perfectly understandable,' says the president. 'Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!' he says happily.
'Not so fast!' says the little old lady. 'For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.'
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
'OK, you win, here's your $100,000,' says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As soon as she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
'What's wrong with him?' asks the bank president.
'Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.'
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.'
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: 'Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.'
Have you heard the touching story of the young man who said to his girlfriend, 'I bet you wouldn't marry me?'
The story goes that she not only called his bet, but raised him five!
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand are arguing about whether or not it's appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player says, 'When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer has nothing to do with it. Why should I tip him?'
The dealer says, 'When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?'
'Yes,' the player says.
'Well, that's because the waiter serves you food. I serve you cards, so you should tip me.'
'OK,' the player says, 'but the waiter gives me what I ask for?'